If you know us, you probably know that we have always wanted a large family; this is something that we both knew before we were married, and we believe that God placed that desire in our hearts…
…which is why it is hard to understand why we have been struggling with secondary infertility for two years now.
Secondary infertility: the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.
This is something that is hard for us to discuss; we have hardly shared it with anyone. However, we both feel like we need to share this with you all for a few reasons: first, we need prayer partners. Yes, we need support. We definitely have a a few incredible close friends with whom we’ve shared this information, and they’re so supportive and caring. However, we need the prayers of you all, family and friends, as well.
Also, we know that we aren’t the only ones facing this. We’d never heard of secondary infertility until it was briefly mentioned to me about 1 ½ years ago. So hopefully, this will help you understand better. If anything, we pray that it may open your eyes to the hurt that may be around you in others of which you’re unaware. Secondary infertility is a hard battle in our opinion, because there is so much guilt associated with it.
We’re sorry if this feels thrown at you. We need to share because there is a suffocating feeling of going through this without talking about it. It’s hard to be constantly supportive and thrilled when a new pregnancy is announced, a baby bump picture is posted, or we pass by a “Big Brother” t-shirt. It is difficult to choke down the pain that rises whenever someone complains about being pregnant, or far worse, when someone who is pregnant doesn’t want to be.
What I believe is the hardest part of the situation is the fact that we already know what it feels like to experience a beautiful birth. We know what it feels like to awaken to kicks in the ribs. We know what it feels like for that little one to have hiccups 23 times a day. We know what it felt like the second we laid eyes on the gift from God we’d been holding and rocking in our life-filled womb for 9 months.
I believe to know what that feels like, to want it so bad you can literally taste it, and not be able to have it again is some of the hardest pain to endure. Especially when we endure it alone because we feel guilty.
We already have a baby. He’s precious. He is absolutely everything we dreamed of, and far, far more. He is so intelligent, kind, compassionate, hilarious, stubborn, musical, silly, challenging, and genuine—even at the age of 3. We are so blessed.. Why in the world are we whining about not having another baby when there are people out there who can’t even birth one child?
We’ve come to realize that Satan planted this thought in our minds. Satan wants us to keep quiet. He wants us to remain in a hopeless, silent, dreary world. Why would he want us to make bonds with others through prayer, or to inspire others to share their struggles? What’s worse is that he wants us to be mad at God.
We went through that phase—the phase where we could only ask “Why?” Why would you give that baby to that girl who is just going to throw it away? Why would you give that baby to the family that is struggling to feed the 12 kids they already have and really can’t handle/don’t want another one? I’m right here! Womb ready! I will love and cherish and nurture that baby. These conversations happened on many occasions.. and I’d be lying if I said that I never feel a twinge of pain and want to reiterate those questions again.
Through the months that we were on fertility medications and Lyndsey was going to the doctor 3+ times per month to have ultrasounds and appointments to talk about her bad ovaries and her tiny follicles, we wondered why. There were families in the waiting room that were discussing loudly their family problems (drowning out the episode of Fixer Upper on the tv), and how they couldn’t believe they were having twins.. “we don’t have time to take care of twins; we can’t even take care of ourselves.” While I was sitting there, begging for twins to love. Why them and not me, God?
We have often thought, in the grand scheme of things, that our struggle doesn’t matter. There are others who have no children. There are those who’ve only experienced miscarriages. There are those who’ve lost lives through the process of childbirth. We have a sweet baby, we just need to hush and be content and happy with what God has given us.
However, this struggle is real. It really is.
There are plenty of others facing the same situations. It’s as real as [regular] infertility. We have a child begging for a baby brother and a baby sister, and we so long to give him that. He is struggling, too; we can see it when he sees his friends with brothers and sisters. We were created with the longing for family. The three of us are longing for more family.
We realize that if we were both healthier, it would increase our chances of pregnancy. We also know that God can overcome that even as we are feebly striving inch by inch to become healthier to God’s glory.
We realize that we are both in seminary with a tight budget, but we also know that the same God who has provided for us this far will continue to provide for any child that He chooses to give us. Yes, we know that many of you are the very reason we still have a roof over our heads. You’ve have loaned us money much more recently than we care to admit so that we wouldn’t have to decide whether we would turn to unjust creditors (Don’t worry – we’re still paying you back! 🙂 ). You’ve have given us money just at the moment God led them to because He knew we had that extra bill. Many times God used you to provide before we knew we had the need. You have given us gifts to encourage us as we have strived to budget wisely and manage costs effectively. We understand that money is a big deal; you kind of need it to survive in this world. But God has also continually taught us that we don’t need as much as we think we do, and sacrificing for the sake of new life or providing a better life for someone else is well worth any perceived sacrifice.
We realize that with Charles beginning to taking more classes along with Lyndsey’s already busy schedule, our time will be stretched even thinner with another child. But we can’t forget the joy in our lives for these last four years of having Andrew in our lives. Yes, we will be busy. We will always be. Everyone is. But the desire of our heart is to fill our lives with the busy-ness of serving God and glorifying Him with our family, not to busy ourselves with work and education for the sake of work and education.
So, now, after all of that, we come to the reason we are writing our story, not for pity or attention, but prayer. We would ask you to consider praying with us.
We pray that we can truly be content with what God has given us.
We pray that if God is waiting for us to make life changes before He gives us another baby, then He would should us how to make them and give us the strength to continue.
We pray that if God wants us to foster a child temporarily for His glory, then He would make it clear and would prepare our hearts for the joy and agony that will surely accompany that task.
We pray that if God wants us to foster a child until we are able to adopt that same child, then He would make that clear and prepare us for the hills of work and the mountains of joy along with the valleys of pain as we demonstrate the love and grace through adoption that God has extended to us.
We pray that if God wants us to forever be a family of three, then He would also make that clear to us so that we can seek to turn our desire into blessings for others who need to feel God’s love through our family.
Thank you for hearing our hearts and loving us through life.
Charles, Lyndsey, and Andrew Huckaby